One Last Good-Bye

Tomorrow will be a sad day for our family. At 3:30PM we will gather at the cemetery to bury our little Madelyn Grace. We have been waiting for her place-marker to arrive which it did this past Tuesday.

It's interesting to reflect back on how things have changed over the past month. The week after I gave birth is a blur. I remember being in awe of how many times we had to sign papers that stated our child was dead and that gave different people permission to do various things with her body. I remember feeling completely overwhelmed by day to day tasks and worrying that life would never be normal again. I remember being touched beyond words by the outpouring of love and support we received from both those we knew well and others we did not know at all. God's amazing grace was present through the countless people who lifted us up in prayer.

Over the past four weeks life has gotten busier. It took 2-3 weeks for me to be able to focus for any period of time on anything. I still feel like I get overwhelmed quicker than I used to. Multitasking is slowly coming back but there are days or hours where it seems I cannot get anything done due to my lack of focus. My periods of grief are shorter now -- minutes long at a time rather than hours or days. Initially it was all I thought about. Slowly, my day to day life has crept back in and now Annika, Abby, Jake, Mike, my job, and other responsibilities occupy most of my thoughts. Madelyn has become a thought that pops into my head rather than one that consumes it. I still think of her multiple times daily. It has just been within this past week that I have gone for any length of time (more than one day) without accidentally thinking I am still pregnant. After being pregnant for four months it took me a good four weeks to readjust my mind-set so that I no longer think of myself as someone who is going to have a baby. That has been a hard transition.

Two of our friends have had babies within the past three weeks. I am relieved and happy to find that I am happy for them. I worried that it might be hard for me to accept. It has not been. I actually find it harder to see pregnant women that to see newborn babies. Perhaps it is becuase we were not supposed to have a baby yet. I suspect that next fall I will find it difficult to see and interact with those who have newborns. That's when our little one should have been with us.

Life here is slowly returning to "normal"; however, it will never be the same. A part of me has died and can never be replaced. My children have been touched by death for the first time in their lives and we have had to face questions and have conversations that no parent ever wants to have with a child. I still struggle with a shaken sense of trust and security and have had to come face to face with the reality that I am not in control of my life. I know in my head that it's OK not to be in control -- that God has a plan for our family and that this too was part of that plan. My heart just wishes it didn't have to be so. No family should have to go through this pain.

If you read this before 3:30 tomorrow please take a moment to pray for our family -- we know God will uphold us as we say one last good-bye to our little girl. We hope that His peace and comfort will surround us, our children, and the family that joins us so that we can say good-bye with confidence in knowing that she is in heaven, safely in the arms of Jesus.

Horse Racing Fun

I'm a sucker for a good sports story, and the Preakness featured one today. If you didn't know:

During the weekend of the Kentucky Derby, the Kentucky Oaks is also run, which features only fillies (girls). A horse named Rachel Alexandra destroyed the rest of the field. The same jockey rode her and the Derby winner that weekend, Mine That Bird. He claims the filly is the greatest horse he's ever ridden. So, her owner decided to enter her in the Preakness this weekend, but some other owners sought to block her by taking up the last remaining spots in the race. However, another owner decided to give up their horse's spot if that happened, so in the end no blocking schemes were employed and Rachel Alexandra was entered to compete against Mine That Bird and the rest of the boys. The aforementioned jockey had to choose which horse to ride for the race, and chose Rachel Alexandra, who became the favorite to win.

We were all home today, and I managed to get the girls excited about the race by painting the picture of the girl racing against the boys - it wasn't all that hard, really - with a name like Rachel Alexandra she could practically be a princess. I think I even got Lisa interested in the drama a little bit. So, it was fun to watch the two-minute race all together. Annika was tense and cheered her on the whole time, and then was very elated when Rachel Alexandra led the entire race and held off Mine That Bird at the very end. I enjoyed it too, especially in HD. Now, if the NHL could just show some more games on the big networks I could get the girls excited for the Red Wings too.

Two Stories

of the child-rearing type...

1. The kids came in from the playground behind our house, which was still a little muddy, so we had to strip off a lot of clothing, including all of Jake's, who needed a diaper change anyway. I had thought earlier that I smelled a dirty diaper but didn't find him wearing one. Lately he's figured out how to remove a diaper when that's all he's wearing, and he started to do so as soon as his clothes came off. Annika helped him and he ran off naked, which isn't a brand new thing as of late. A few minutes later, coming through the kitchen, I smelled poo again and stopped. That was a good thing, since another step would have put my foot right in a pile that Jake so nicely left in the middle of the kitchen floor. Annika was nearby at the table, oblivious to the dirty deed done on the floor. We all had a good laugh and I cleaned it up. I can only imagine the scene of Jake leaving the pile there on the floor. The same night...

2. It was bedtime and I was reading a book to Abby while Annika brushed her teeth and got her jammies on. Afterwards she headed back downstairs, where she had been doing homework. I heard a chair squeak and figured she had sat down to do some more, which was fine with me. However, a few minutes later she returned and headed up to the top bunk. I wasn't quite paying attention to her, but a moment later my dad-radar went off and it occurred to me that she had been walking a little suspiciously when she came in the room.

"What are you hiding?"
"Nothing."
"Then why were you walking funny?"
No significant answer.
And then my dad-intuition rewarded me handsomely: "Give me the candy."
Annika, wearing one-piece jammies with feet, starts unzipping, all the way down to her feet, where she pulls out five Hershey's kisses! Smuggler!

A few things had come together quickly in my mind: candy wrappers discovered under a pillow a few days before, candy that had just recently been put on top of the fridge, and one squeak, which was the sound of a chair being moved over to the fridge. Busted! No wonder the girl was up past 11:00 reading the other night - it was probably chocolate.

Madelyn Grace

It is with broken hearts that Mike and I share the news of our daughter's premature birth. Madelyn Grace was born at 7:41pm on Thursday, April 16th, one week ago today. She weighed 1.8 oz and was 6 inches long. We were blessed to have her be a part of our hopes & dreams for 15 1/2 weeks. After her birth we were able to hold her and spend as much time as we needed with her. Although it was hard, we are so glad we did. She was our daughter.

This picture gives a bit of perspective on just how small she was. Way too small to be in this world with us.

Volunteers at the hospital make little gowns, hats, and blankets for the stillborn babies. We did not initially know if our baby was a boy or girl. Our nurse dressed her in white which we felt was fitting.

Her loss came as a complete surprise to us. We discovered we had lost her when Lisa went in for a regular check-up on Wednesday and they could not detect a heartbeat. An ultrasound indicated she had passed on within the last day or two. It's was God's grace that allowed us to find out so quickly and not suffer the fear that would have come with early signs of miscarriage. The suddenness of it was harsh and yet a long, drawn out suffering would only have been worse. We take comfort in knowing that our angel is in heaven comforted in the arms of Jesus. We also take comfort in knowing that he cradles us in those very same arms. He knows our sorrow and feels our pain. Our wonderful pastors came to the hospital Friday morning and helped us commit our baby to the Lord. Their prayers and words of reassurance from the Bible are precious and dear to us. We could not get through this without the tremendous support we have felt from our family, friends, church family, coworkers, and the incredible hospital staff. We know we are truly blessed to have such support.

Check Me Out

Yesterday I took Jake to get his new "two-year old" haircut. We tried out a new place called Snip-Its. I've never had Jake (or any other child of ours) do so well for a haircut. These people knew what they were doing!

Jake's 2nd Birthday

This is what a birthday party should look like...


Jake opens his gifts with Daddy's help.


Jake's cake - we had a Wall-E Theme, complete with life-size Wall-E!

Unfortunately for Jake, his second birthday was not an event anyone will want to remember. Although his party on Sunday was nice, it was overshadowed by other more signficant events that weekend! Our family spent Jake's 2nd birthday suffering with the stomach flu! It all started on Sat. when Jake got sick. We thought is was something he ate! Little did we know! Here he is, cute as can be, cuddled up on the couch. This was just the start to some unbelievable illness!


By Sunday night, Lisa, Mike, and Annika had also come down with the flu! It started with Lisa at 10:40 Sunday night. Mike followed at 11:30 and at 2:00 Annika was joining the fun. Mike and Annika slept downstairs in an attempt for at least one person to get some sleep. The theory was good... the reality was that none of us really slept that night. This is Annika asleep on the sofa Monday morning. Sleep was basically all Mike, Annika, or I did for that whole day!


Mom and Dad Dekker kindly took Abby, and Jake (who we thought was better) for the day so we could try to recover. They had a lovely morning at Mejier Gardens and then returned home so Jake could nap. It turns out Jake was still sick. He shared his germs with Grandma and Grandpa (we won't go into details) and they ended up getting sick by the end of the week! Oops! That wasn't supposed to happen! Sorry Mom and Dad!

Hopefully Jake's 3rd birthday will be a much happier (and healthier) occassion!

The Family Tournament Picks

While I filled out three different brackets on ESPN.com for the NCAA tournament, I also got picks from the capable members of my family (not Jake). With Abby I just read off the two teams for each game and she picked the winner, so her picks are pretty, um, unlikely to occur (she has three 16 seeds beating 1 seeds, which has never happened). Annika understood the seeding, so her picks were based on that somewhat too, but she wiped out all the number 1 seeds before the final eight. Here are the Final Fours chosen by our family, with team seeds:

Mike: Wake Forest (4) vs. Memphis (2) and Pittsburgh (1) vs. North Carolina (1), with Pitt over Memphis in the final.

Lisa: Michigan St (2) vs. Connecticut (1) and Duke (2) vs. Syracuse (3), with UConn over Syracuse in the final.

Annika: Kansas (3) vs. Memphis (2) and Villanova (3) vs. Oklahoma (2), with Villanova over Memphis in the final.

Abby: USC (10) vs. Mississippi St (13) and Duke (2) vs. Butler (9) with Butler over Mississippi St in the final (this would be a most remarkable tournament).

I put all the brackets online, so we'll see who wins through the ESPN scoring system.