One Last Good-Bye

Tomorrow will be a sad day for our family. At 3:30PM we will gather at the cemetery to bury our little Madelyn Grace. We have been waiting for her place-marker to arrive which it did this past Tuesday.

It's interesting to reflect back on how things have changed over the past month. The week after I gave birth is a blur. I remember being in awe of how many times we had to sign papers that stated our child was dead and that gave different people permission to do various things with her body. I remember feeling completely overwhelmed by day to day tasks and worrying that life would never be normal again. I remember being touched beyond words by the outpouring of love and support we received from both those we knew well and others we did not know at all. God's amazing grace was present through the countless people who lifted us up in prayer.

Over the past four weeks life has gotten busier. It took 2-3 weeks for me to be able to focus for any period of time on anything. I still feel like I get overwhelmed quicker than I used to. Multitasking is slowly coming back but there are days or hours where it seems I cannot get anything done due to my lack of focus. My periods of grief are shorter now -- minutes long at a time rather than hours or days. Initially it was all I thought about. Slowly, my day to day life has crept back in and now Annika, Abby, Jake, Mike, my job, and other responsibilities occupy most of my thoughts. Madelyn has become a thought that pops into my head rather than one that consumes it. I still think of her multiple times daily. It has just been within this past week that I have gone for any length of time (more than one day) without accidentally thinking I am still pregnant. After being pregnant for four months it took me a good four weeks to readjust my mind-set so that I no longer think of myself as someone who is going to have a baby. That has been a hard transition.

Two of our friends have had babies within the past three weeks. I am relieved and happy to find that I am happy for them. I worried that it might be hard for me to accept. It has not been. I actually find it harder to see pregnant women that to see newborn babies. Perhaps it is becuase we were not supposed to have a baby yet. I suspect that next fall I will find it difficult to see and interact with those who have newborns. That's when our little one should have been with us.

Life here is slowly returning to "normal"; however, it will never be the same. A part of me has died and can never be replaced. My children have been touched by death for the first time in their lives and we have had to face questions and have conversations that no parent ever wants to have with a child. I still struggle with a shaken sense of trust and security and have had to come face to face with the reality that I am not in control of my life. I know in my head that it's OK not to be in control -- that God has a plan for our family and that this too was part of that plan. My heart just wishes it didn't have to be so. No family should have to go through this pain.

If you read this before 3:30 tomorrow please take a moment to pray for our family -- we know God will uphold us as we say one last good-bye to our little girl. We hope that His peace and comfort will surround us, our children, and the family that joins us so that we can say good-bye with confidence in knowing that she is in heaven, safely in the arms of Jesus.